The cast: Mr. PRALINO – Panagiotos Pikrammenis; BANK OWNER – Mario Drahgi
The Sketch: A customer enters a bank. Mr. Pralino: ‘Ello, I wish to register a complaint. (The bank owner does not respond.) Mr. Pralino: ‘Ello, Miss? Banker: What do you mean “miss”? Mr. Pralino: I’m sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint! Banker: We’re closin’ for lunch. Mr. Pralino: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Euro what I purchased not 11 years ago from this very bank. Banker: Oh yes, the, uh, the Maastrict Blue…What’s,uh…What’s wrong with it? Mr. Pralino: I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it, my lad. ‘i’s dead, that’s what’s wrong with it! Banker: No, no, ‘i’s uh,…it’s resting. Mr. Pralino: Look, matey, I know a dead currency when I see one, and I’m looking at one right now. Banker: No no it’s not dead, it’s, it’s restin’! Remarkable currency, the Maastrict Blue, idn’it, ay? Beautiful coinage! Mr. Pralino: The coinage don’t enter into it. It’s stone dead. Banker: Nononono, no, no! ‘I’s resting! Mr. Pralino: All right then, if it’s restin’, I’ll wake it up! (shouting at his Piggy Bank) ‘Ello, Mister European Single Unit of Currency! I’ve got a lovely fresh fiscal union for you, if you show… (banker hits the Piggy Bank) Banker: There, it moved! Mr. Pralino: No, it didn’t, that was you hitting the PIG ! Banker: I never!! Mr. Pralino: Yes, you did! Banker: I never, never did anything… Mr. Pralino: (yelling and hitting the piggy bank repeatedly) ‘ELLO EURO!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your Eleventh Hour alarm call! (Takes Euros out of the piggy bank and thumps the wad on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.) Mr. Pralino: Now that’s what I call a dead currency. Banker: No, no…..No, ‘i’s stunned! Mr. Pralino: STUNNED?!? Banker: Yeah! You stunned it, just as it was recovering ! Maastrict Blues stun easily, major. Mr. Pralino: Um…now look…now look, mate, I’ve definitely ‘ad enough of this. That currency is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 11 years ago, you assured me that its total lack of a fiscal mechanism was due to it bein’ tired and shagged out following a prolonged budget deficit. Banker: Well, it’s…it’s, ah…probably pining. Pinin’ for the polders. Mr. Pralino: PININ’ for the POLDERS ?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it fall flat on its back the moment I got it home? Banker: The Maastrict Blue prefers keepin’ on it’s back! Remarkable currency, id’nit, squire? Lovely coinage! Mr. Pralino: Look, I took the liberty of examining that currency when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in its piggy bank in the first place was that it had been NAILED there. (pause) Banker: Well, o’course it was nailed there! If I hadn’t nailed that currency down, it would have nuzzled up to the Swiss Franc, ripped it apart with its reeding and VOOM! Feeweeweewee Mr. Pralino: “VOOM”?!? Mate, this currency wouldn’t “voom” if you put four trillion dollars of quantative easing through it! ‘I’s bleedin’ demised! Banker: No no! ‘I’s pining! Mr. Pralino: ‘I’s not pinin’! ‘I’s passed on! This currency is no more! It has ceased to be! ‘I’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘I’s a stiff! Bereft of life, It rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘it to the Piggy Bank ‘it’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Its metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘i’s off the twig! ‘I’s kicked the bucket, ‘i’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-EURO!! (pause) Banker: Well, I’d better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I’ve had a look ’round the back of the vaults, and uh, we’re right out of currencies. Mr. Pralino: I see. I see, I get the picture. Banker: I got Drachmas. (pause) Mr. Pralino: Pray, do they work? Banker: Nnnnot really. Mr. Pralino: WELL THEY’LL HARDLY BE A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, WILL THEY ?!!???!!? Banker: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet) Mr. Pralino: Well. (pause) Banker: (quietly) D’you…. d’you want to come back to Frankfurt ? Mr. Pralino: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.