Rex is addressing a room of masked Greek MEPs beneath the European Parliament in 2015 …
Rex: We get in through the underground heating system here … up through to the main audience chamber here … and the President’s wife’s bedroom is here. Having grabbed his wife, we inform him that she is in our custody and forthwith issue our demands. Any questions?
Georgios : What exactly are the demands?
Rex : We’re giving him two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Eurozone Imperialist State and if he doesn’t agree immediately we will send her to Coventry … No, Walsall ! [cut to a misplaced scene of the 70s Bull Ring in Birmingham]
Rex: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. They’ve taken everything we had, not just from us, from our fathers and from our fathers’ fathers.
Philip : And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
George: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.
Rex: All right, George. Don’t labour the point. And what have they ever given us IN RETURN? (he pauses smugly)
George: The cash?
George: The cash.
Rex: Oh yeah, yeah they gave us that. Yeah. That’s true.
All: And the sense of fiscal responsibility, through adherence to monetary union guidelines !
Philip: Oh yes … fiscal responsibility, Rex, you remember what the country used to be like.
Rex: All right, I’ll grant you that the cash and the sense of responsibility are two things that the Euro HAS done …
Alex: And the cars … [cut to scene of Porsche Cayennes, BMW 5 series, Audi TT’s covers thrown off and racing through streets of Athens]
Rex: (sharply) Well YES OBVIOUSLY the cars … the cars go without saying. But apart from the cash, the sense of responsibility and the cars …
All: Tourists …
Olli: Free passage … a common purpose and pride … democracy !
Rex: No Olli, that’s one of ours.
All: And the Eurovision Song Contest !
Rex: Yes … all right, fair enough …
George: And the coinage …
All: Oh yes! True!
Alex (mumurs): Lovely coinage.
Fredios: Yeah. That’s something we’d really miss if we left the Eurozone, Rex.
All: Lidl !
Philip: AND it’s safe to borrow money from the IMF right now.
Fred: Yes, they certainly know how to keep austerity measures in place… (general nodding) … let’s face it, they’re the only ones who could in a place like this. (more general murmurs of agreement)
Rex: All right … all right … but apart from the cash and the sense fiscal responsibility and tourists and lovely coinage and the Porsches and free passage across other European borders and Eurovision and Lidl and austerity measures … what HAS the Euro ever done for US?
Philip: Brought peace ?
Rex : Oh, shut-up Phil.
Georgios: Shame we had to sell off the islands though
Rex: Yep. Crete to the Chinese …
Alex: And Rhodes to the oil rich Republic of Scotland
Fredios: And the Peloponnese…
Rex: What ! When did we sell that ?
Philip: Oh yes, last month. Frau Merkel was rather keen on Corinth.
Olli: Lesbos and most of the Aegean … to Russia and Columbia, I think.
Rex: Still. We’ve still got the coinage
All (nodding): Yes, lovely coinage.